The Failed Writer & The Accidental Artist
Hello, I'm Océane...
Last week, I fully embraced the start of a new month, my energy levels were high + it was a favourable time in my cycle for creativity. I finished off and published my About page, stopped overthinking my free/paid offerings, got my paywall up and started sharing to the ‘world’ that I now have a Substack publication called The Curious Magpie (and by the world I mean some friends/family and my very small following on Instagram which probably amounts to about…12 people).
It’s Saturday morning, my youngest child is at BMX club, the eldest is around somewhere not doing his homework so I have about 2 hours (if I’m lucky) of alone time. I’ve made myself a matcha latte, I’m listening to my favourite Calm Playlist (it’s on Apple music) and I’m writing this; my 1st article, long form writing piece, essay etc. (whatever you want to call it, I haven’t decided what I want to call it yet). The advice I’ve read, surprise! I read a lot, says that this article should be about what you, as readers should expect from me, how often I’m going to post and details of my paid subscription. It’s all good stuff but not what I want to share with you today (check out my about page for more subscription info).
Today, I’m taking my courage in both hands to tell you a little bit about myself and as Lucy Werner would put it ‘showing a bit of ankle’ (thanks Lucy!).
Hi, I’m Océane. I’m a failed writer and an accidental artist. And this is how I came about being both of these.
The Failed Writer
I moved to London from France when I was 18 years old, I was only supposed to be in this city for 8 months. I fell in love with London hard, I felt alive and at home in a way that I’d never felt before (P.S: 8 months turned into 20+ years).
I studied English Lit at University, I couldn’t believe I’d get a degree reading books (there is of course more to it than that!). My 1st few years in London were heavily anchored in reading and watching films, which I think is key to immersing yourself in a 2nd language. I’ll always remember reading my 1st novel in English, it was Maggie O’Farrell’s debut novel ‘After You’d Gone’.
I hated that people assumed that I’d go into teaching after I got my undergrad. I’ve never wanted to teach, I wanted to write (in English not in French) but I was a 20 something French girl living in London, I didn’t believe I could ever write for a living. So I thought if I can’t write, I’d help people do it. I studied a postgrad in Publishing but when that was over and the pull to write was still there I studied another postgrad in Screenwriting. By the time that ended, I had a part-time office job to make ends meet and I found myself at a crossroads. I wrote whenever I wasn’t working, I submitted several synopsis, draft chapters to publishing houses, agent agencies in both the publishing and screenwriting world and…nothing.
Looking back, I should have tried harder (shoulda, woulda, coulda) but each no I received and each submission that went unanswered was a bullet to my confidence. The part-time office job turned to full-time (I’m technically still there now), and over the past 10 years my writing went from sporadic to non-existent.
I failed at the traditional sense of being a writer; Squashed dreams of having an agent, being published, make it on the best seller list, becoming an Oscar winning screenwriter, winning writing competitions etc. Having the world validate me as a ‘proper’ writer. But the truth is lots of writers never get that external validation and perhaps it’s okay.
The Accidental Artist
I still can’t say ‘I’m an artist’ without making an involuntary face spasm, when I do say it out loud (which is rare) my impostor, I’ve called her O, lands on my shoulder dramatically and whispers in my ear ‘who do you think you are calling yourself an artist?’.
It’s often easier to say what I do not who I am, ‘I design stationery or I draw patterns’. Because I have a full-time office job along side my creative business, when people I meet for the 1st time ask ‘What do you do?’ Or ‘How’s work going?’ I have to take a pause, which job should I talk about?
I don’t make an income from my creative business Papergraphie so sadly even though it’s the job that makes my heart sing, it doesn’t get a mention in those types of social situations.
I didn’t draw as a child, I much preferred reading. I did a bit of pottery, knitting, embroidery but that’s it. I only started drawing when my partner gifted me an iPad with a pencil for Christmas in 2018. Our son was 6 months old, not sleeping very much, I was exhausted and doodling on the iPad became a sort of mindful exercise. It was so easy, no materials to get ready, nothing to clean up. I’d make a mistake and I’d just delete it, pretend it never happened with the tap of 2 fingers (I use Procreate). It took me away from my, sometimes lonely, maternity leave.
Then, not long after I went back to work, the pandemic happened. Stuck at home working full-time remotely with 2 children, drawing on my iPad wasn’t just a simple mindful exercise anymore. It became a life boat, without it I can’t imagine the damage to my mental health and the relationship with my children.
I’m entirely self-taught, with the help of Skillshare, Domestika and other online courses, I’ve learned to design stationery, illustrations & repeat patterns. I often struggle with my self-taught status. It comes out by always trying to learn more and more to compete with others who are younger and have the art education or professional background I will never have. Learning is great but not if it stops you from doing.
I started drawing by accident but lots of things happen by accident. Is something happening by accident worth less because it wasn’t on purpose? What’s a happy accident? Chance or serendipity?
Meeting my partner was an accident, we’d both just come out of unhappy marriages when we met and were definitely not looking to start a new relationship. Meeting him was the happiest of all accidents.
We fail, we get back up and start again. Discovering a passion by accident rather than formal studies & training doesn’t make us less capable, lesser than x,y,z. We’re all on different paths, there is no point comparing ourselves to others whose situations and lives are entirely different.
Right now, regardless of my past writing failures, I’m just happy to be writing again Hello, old writing self. I’ve missed you…
Later, I’m going to finish off designing a new illustration and artist or not, that’s no accident… this is my path.
Je te souhaite encore de nombreux heureux accidents qui remplissent une vie!
I resonate hard with the mat leave creativity hobby turned life line turned kinda job. My version was the writing bit. Nice to ‘meet’ you on here!